Top 10 tips for supporting your breastfeeding partner.

CrunchyDadmom's Top 10 tips for supporting your breastfeeding partner. 

We plan and plan for months on end with excitement in anticipation for the arrival of our new little ones.  We decide on everything from where a birth will take place to the theme of a nursery. We talk about what we will name them and how we expect their lives to go. Some of us even plan out their first outfits for newborn pictures.  So how is it that so often we forget to focus some of that energy and thought on how we will nourish them in the early years and what we expect of each other to make that happen?

I have now been the "partner" through 5 and a half years of nursing babies. I have often wished that I had been a better support in the early years. That's not to say that I didn't think that I was supportive but just that my efforts, while well intentioned, didn't always feel to my wife as supportive as I would have hoped. Unfortunately not only is breastfeeding a all too little spoken about and planned for topic but the "how to" on the support side is next to nonexistent. And if you happen to be a partner reading this please take this piece of advice as fact as I promise you that any momma who has been through a breastfeeding journey will agree with it. SUPPORT THROUGH BREASTFEEDING IS EVERYTHING!!!!! 

So let's get into it. The "How To" that I wish that I would have had.

1.) It starts before birth.

This is where the journey should really begin and maybe it doesn't the first time. In fact many mothers successful breastfeeding experiences don't actually take place with a first child. However deciding that breastfeeding is what both of you intend to be the means in which your new child will be nourished will put you leaps and bounds ahead. Make it a shared goal. Shared goals are achieved far more often due to a feeling of shared connection which increases motivation and accountability. So make sure you talk about it before you meet your new little squish. 

2.) Education can be make or break in the first few days. 

Ask any good lactation consultant and they will tell you that new parents and even some experienced parents are shocked when they learn basic things about breastfeeding such as; how much a 1 day old child consumes on average per feeding. (About 1 tsp of colostrum), what colostrum is, how often baby should be nursed, how long baby should eat for, what a good latch looks and sounds like, when moms milk actually comes in, what baby's stomach looks like at day 10. If you have already been a nursing mom, these probably sound simple but to those who haven't. When we have our own uneducated thoughts on how it is "supposed to be" and our reality is different than our expectations we often experience fear and disappointment. So when momma doesn't see her baby with milk running down her face or dad doesn't know that her boobs are functioning but they aren't producing milk like a freaking cow yet and they see the formula bottle that has 2oz in it, they assume that baby is not getting what she needs and that mommas body must not be working right when it might actually be working exactly as it is supposed to be. 

3.) Breastfeeding support is not actually about breasts.

This one is really crucial. To really support a mom and her breastfed baby you need to remove yourself from spending too much energy on the baby actually nursing. It is easy to get caught up with worrying if everything is ok with the nursing baby but what would probably be more beneficial to the situation is walking away from her, going to the kitchen cabinet, grabbing a cup, turning on the sink, filling her up a glass of water and bringing it to her. If we are truly supporting moms, then we need to expect feeding baby is one thing she can usually handle on her own and instead be the hands and feet she can't be while she is nursing. If you don't know what she needs, remember, you can always ask her.  

4.) Be the filter for her.

In the hours and days after your bundle of love is born you are destine to see eager friends and family who just want to catch a view of you baby. Sometimes they can be very considerate and other times they can be completely clueless. If momma had a hospital birth she is most likely glued to the bed with nowhere to really go even if she wasn't. This means that as these people steadily parade through your room or home it is really on you as the partner to direct and guide them based on how she and baby are feeling. Babies eat very often and a new mom is able to detect signs that baby is hungry pretty quickly so she may want to have some privacy to nurse and the calmness of the room can not be understated in helping baby concentrate. Do not be shy on returning baby to mom or removing people from the room. As well, the first few days mom and baby will need plenty of time together to bond and strengthen their understanding of one another, so nursing becomes more natural to both. If she is anxious about other people holding the baby be sure to help her so she does not to feel obligated to separate herself from baby. It is ok to tell people that they will need to wait until another time to hold the baby, Again asking her what she wants is a great way to make sure that the two of you are on the same page. 

5.) She needs Rest Rest Rest.

So usually as the partner your leave of absence from work is much shorter lived than that of momma (which is still usually way too short but a different subject for a different day). This means that your ability to be a physical help is drastically reduced all too soon, so letting her rest as much as possible during that time is super helpful. Let's take a second and list out a few of the many things that have been going on with her to effort to give you some perspective on how much she really needs the rest. She just spent the last 9 months using her body as an incubator for another human being. She then had the giant muscular vessel that held that human crush down and squeeze it out of an area of her body that she never really wanted to be stretched that large to begin with. Then after that human was brought into the world she passed another massive object in the same manner.(If you haven't been through birth before do yourself a favor and google "Placenta" it's basically the unfair second birth she wasn't expecting) When that was finished somebody said to her that they "just needed to check to make sure her uterus was contracting" which is actually a fun way of warning her that they are about to use some torture tactic, that is too drastic for Gitmo, to painfully knead her belly while her contacting uterus continues to hemorrhage. And after is was all said and done and just before she was able to actually catch her breath, the human she just delivered needed her to use every last bit of energy she had to nourish it. So yeah dude, she's tired. Let her sleep, do the dishes, fold the laundry, cook the meals and let her rest.

6.) Learn to "really" bond with your little one.

We know that when mom nurses baby that a very special and unique bond is formed. We desire to experience that same bond but without functioning breast, sometimes we feel that can only be accomplished by feeding baby with a bottle. By holding on to that mindset though, we really limit our capacity to truly and deeply bond with our children and potentially throw a wrench in the breastfeeding process. There are many things that bottle feedings can do to hinder rather than help, such as nipple confusion, changes in flow rate, feeding beyond the capacity of baby stomach, etc.  Being blunt it's kinda selfish too. There are so many ways you can bond with baby that are beneficial to everybody including momma. A few of my favorite include; skin to skin contact, baby wearing, bath time and listening to music and dancing with baby, but there are really no limits to the ways you can connect with baby. Try something simple like burping the baby after nursing. Chances are momma will really appreciate having both hands to herself for a few minutes too. 

7.) Have patience  

Nursing a baby takes a lot of time and practice and it doesn't always come quickly. It takes most moms about 6 weeks or so to really get into a good rhythm with baby. That is stressful enough for her in and of itself. So don't add stress to the situation by inserting your own expectations. Mom is gonna have the best understanding of how her body is acting and how baby is reacting. If she expresses concern that is one thing and merits a response but if she says shes's ok and baby is happy, just sit back and relax, everything is going exactly as it should.  

8.) Help seek out help when things get bumpy.

So let's say she does express concern. Maybe things don't feel right or feel down right painful. Maybe she doesn't feel like baby is getting enough milk or is not latching well. Be the one to seek out additional help. Head online and find a local support group. You can find the nearest La Leche League International group to you. There are free support groups that have meetings and support lines run by experienced mommas throughout the world. Drive her to a meeting. Sometimes just having the knowledge of another momma can be all it takes to make a few adjustments or help diagnose a deeper issue. You could also seek out an independent lactation consultant who could come to your home and offer similar assistance.  

9.) You don't know it all, so learn TOGETHER.

Breastfeeding and raising a child is a journey. All the knowledge and studying in the world is quickly trumped by experience. There is a lot of information available online but none as valuable as being in it day in and day out. Please, please, please if issues to arise, do not go online, read an article and then "tell her what to do". You are in this together and if she feels pressured rather than supported, the risk of quitting is easily amplified. Be a team. Learn together, talk. Have discussions about issues, options and possible solutions or seeking assistance. Remember that you're both in this for the same squishy faced, ten toed reason.

10.) Be Proud of her.

This seems so simplistic but can not be understated. Breastfeeding moms ARE superheros. They ARE able to use their bodies to sustain the life of another person for years, Show them some serious appreciation and be proud to be partnered with one of these beautifully self sacrificing individuals. When you are out of the house and she shows off her superpowers do not shame her. Stand proudly by her side and let her know how awesome she is. The world does enough to try and bring her down, so let her know often that she is amazing because, simply put, SHE IS. 

So there you are my "How To" that I wish had existed 5 years ago. Now that you have some tools at your disposal, use them. Go battle the issues and celebrate the successes together. We often say in our home that it takes a village. Nobody should have to go it alone and your village starts with you so start your village. Be strong, be brave and be supportive. 

If you have any additional tips I would love to read them in the comments below. 

Happy Breastfeeding. 

I think it's finally time to talk about Miscarriage.

MISCARRIAGE! Damn. That's a scary word. But what's the reality? Well an estimated 1 in 5 "known" pregnancies will end in a lost baby before the 20th week. Actually it's most likely much higher than that due to it happening often before the pregnancy becomes known to the mother. The fact of early miscarriage is no more obvious than to those of us who have been through it while actively pursuing having kids of our own.

Being in my late 20's and having 3 children with my wife, the experience of miscarriage hit us relatively early in life, in our early 20s. But being in the age group we are, we're starting to see it happen to those around us. In the past few weeks I have had 2 sets of friends who have been thrown into the dizzying spiral of losing a baby. It's so heart breaking to see close friends go through something so devastating. It happens and it hurts, a lot. It has also shed light on another unspoken truth. These are just the friends who have had the courage to make it known to the world or at least their inner circles. One thing though that I have found to be a very dark truth surrounding this subject is that, no matter if you are brave like a few of my friends have been or decide to keep it concealed as my wife and I did, there is undoubtedly an ultimate feeling of shame and responsibility in the aftermath of experiencing it firsthand.

Why though? How in the hell is that fair? Rarely is it ever the fault of a mother, that her little one did not develop properly and was not able to survive the same miraculous transformation that you did, into a vessel suitable to sustain life as a human. Why can't parents go through the grieving process without feeling responsible and or shameful? Some would say it's because they are looking for answers to a question without any. Being realistic, most people will never know the specific reason behind a miscarriage. Doctors will speculate to help you rationalize it. Moms might search deep within their own memory banks and harshly judge each and every action and decision that she made while pregnant. And friends, if they are made aware of the pregnancy, may come up with their own versions of what could have happened to try to bring comfort to their friend. Still none of these are ever absolute and a grieving mom and possibly dad, deep down, know that. I however have a different vein of thought as to why the tunnel of thoughts surrounding miscarriage are so densely lined with self contempt. 

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

Seriously, we don't. And in the rare occurrences that we do, it's done in the shadows of secrecy. Here's something to chew on. The percentage of known pregnancies that end miscarriage is the same as the percentage of people who will die from cancer. It's the same as the percentage of the American children who live in poverty. Yet there is a drastic difference in that we do not hide these facts. We know them and we dedicate time and resources to them in order to assist those affected. We talk about them. We walk around tracks in pink and come up with ridiculous team names to make them known. Can the same be said of those affected by miscarriage? Now I'm by no means advocating these other issues are undeserving of our attention, I am simply pointing to the fact that we are sweeping under the rug a largely underrepresented number of people and allowing them to believe that they are alone in a very difficult and vulnerable time in their lives.

Now everything I'm saying is essentially just bitching at this point and I do not want to just complain about an issue and not add to the solution. So I'm going to address a number of ways that I think can help both internally and externally create a solid support and understanding towards those affected (especially as men). I will also outline something which I believe we can help shift the undertone of shame away from grieving parents and allow us to create a culture of support to make it "ok" for parents to reach out without hesitation or embarrassment by opening up the dialog for talking about it.

It starts with compassion.

Internally in the relationship men will be affected differently than women.

I need to first address the guys side as it is most relevant to me but it is good for women to know how we think. Guys process information in a way that starts with; hearing a situation happens. assessing the details and seriousness of the situation, deciding how relevant it is to them and if it is, immediately the cogs begin to turn to rationalize or resolve the situation. This works great as a man, to be able to rationalize something at tragic as a miscarriage and hold strong in our minds to that rationale. We are able to function and focus on the details of the days after because, to us there is absolute truth in it. It's not that we aren't saddened, instead it's that that is how we process everything every day. We don't know any other way and unfortunately the thing that gets us through it just about the worst possible means of helping our partners throughout the entire grieving process.   

As men we tend to miss a very important detail in our assessment of miscarriage. For some reason, and I still haven't been able to put my finger on it, we think that our partners are able to go through the same rationalization process as us. And without realizing it we tend to go straight to trying to lead them to our rationale. I mean it does make sense right? If it worked for us why can't it work for them? If you are a guy whose going through this please listen carefully. I promise with every ounce of being in me that it is not the same for women. Stop. Stop because it's not only not what they need but, it will NEVER EVER work.

Women have a completely different emotional attachment that we can't fully grasp, but I will try to explain it in a way that might be easier to understand. When a woman finds out she is pregnant, intentionally or not, she instantly changes. She is no longer herself. She is a we. In fact you should repeat that last sentence out loud to yourself a few times. She is a we. We can't as guys understand it fully because we will never be a we. And we will never spend a day not being able to break the river of thought that another being is inside of us growing, completely and wholey dependent on us for life. In order for us to understand to our capacity though we need to remember something very important. Men usually take a while to fully come to terms with the idea of the baby being real. Really in there. For women though that feeling of we is very real and very permanent as soon as it happens and that thought does not leave them. They are moms and their baby is all consuming to them. It's actually the thing that makes a miscarriage so emotionally devastating to them. I say all of this to bring it around to a point for men to get. When we try to rationalize a miscarriage we unintentionally put off a feeling that we think somehow it somehow wasn't real. That that woman wasn't and isn't a mother.

So what can we do instead? Well,  honestly it's a very simple but immensely difficult answer. Ready?

Shut up and be there! Don't try to provide answers. You don't have any because for her there are none. So sit with her, cry with her, listen to her, assure her you are not going anywhere until she is ready. She's just lost someone very important to her and she needs you to be there because you're the closest thing she has to someone who should understand. It is a very slow grieving and healing process that you cannot speed up no matter what so prepare yourself to be there for a while.

Something that often gets overlooked by men as well is that if you received the news that you have miscarried during an ultrasound, your partner has a solid chance of needing to have the baby surgically taken from her. So while she is grieving from the loss she is also dealing with that fact that her baby is still in her. As men we must be additionally sympathetic to these mothers and not take personal any actions or words that come from them. This is again something you cannot possibly understand.

I want to stomp out a common misnomer that its somehow better if you already have kids. Coming personally from a scenario where we experienced multiple miscarriages in between our oldest and middle child I can assure you it is not better. If anything its harder. The emotions are the same but now the grieving process is harder because you have a little one to attend to. It actually slows the healing because it takes longer to have ample time to do so.

If we are to change the culture of shame surrounding miscarriage we cannot pretend that we are "ok" simply for the purpose of making face to our family and friends. I truly believe that people are kinder and more sympathetic than we give credit to. Inevitably though, even if we do present our raw emotions to them, someone will not know how to react. They will fall into the same rut that I've been describing above. It is important for us to forgive them and not hold them responsible. As they become more educated and as the culture of understanding changes they will learn. Another reason we cannot continue to hide  that this happens is that you will have someone in your life who goes through this as well and in that moment when they are looking for support they will remember. They will gravitate to where they believe understanding lies. You will be the start of the web of support and it will grow.

It is often said that it takes a village to raise a child and I believe that to be very true but I also believe it to be just as true that it takes that same village to help us grieve when we lose one. From partners to family member. From friends to employers. Be the start of your village. Be the start of the answer to banishing the hidden secret that so many people live with and try to deal with themselves. Be there!

The single most helpful tool for dads and birthing partners to creating a successful and comfortable home water birth.

Having a successful home water birth as the partner can feel really intimidating to say the least. In a hospital setting you have the "comfort" of having staff around and people who "know how to have a baby". As a crunchy dad this last statement has proven to be false to me on many levels in hindsight,  but it was undoubtedly fact for me at the time of our first birthing experience. When you are considering a home birth though, that all goes out the window and the pressure of being a support and making the experience a wonderful memory falls on heavy on your shoulders, even if only in your own mind.

For me, I wanted to make sure that everything that was within my control went well enough to not be the defining memory. So with talking with my wife I began to theorize about what would be important. Of course some things came to me like, music, lighting, traffic of kids and pets and who would be in attendance. And while these all play a role they still didn't hit the top of the list of importance in the end.

I want you to imagine this scenario. You've been in early labor for a short while. Things are progressing as planned and you are starting to feel that you are at the end of this pregnancy and about to meet your lil bundle for the first time. You're still in what I like to think of as the dreamy fun phase of labor. you know, the part before the reality of actually pushing the small watermelon through an area of  bone structure usually meant for holding the insides of a woman together when shes standing upright? Things continue to progress and the feelings of total discomfort are beginning to kick in, this is when she will want to try and find comfort through any means necessary. She decides that warm water would bring relief. If you haven't thought this through by now you're about to  experience one of the worst feelings of helplessness ever.

But instead you're reading this and you don't have to get to this point and not have the answers already. So lets discuss a few questions that will guide your water birth preparations.

Where will we have it at?
Well this can be a super defining question as to how to have a successful home water birth. Some parents will choose to use a home tub, some will choose to rent or purchase a Birthing Pool/Tub and others will choose our preferred method of purchasing the fishy pool.

The home tub is clearly the least expensive and most easily accessible to both water and draining sources but it has it's drawback of available mobility for mama due to size. It also has the ability to dramatically alter the mood of the birth because of the obvious lack of ability to be anywhere other than the bathroom. Certainly these obstacles can be overcome but they may not be so easy to overcome as using another option.

Birthing Pools/Tubs will certainly be able to accommodate the ability to set the scene for your birth in a plethora of locations and will be spacious enough to let mama move at her discretion but they come at a heck of a price, often topping $100 for rent alone.

The option we choose for our last 2 birth was one of increasing popularity as home birth and especially water home births become more and more the norm for expecting parents. The "fishy pool" as it has become to be so affectionately called by the water birthing community is big enough to let mama move, sturdy enough to feel secure about using it inside and let mama rest on the edges without compromising the structural integrity and most importantly  cheap enough to consider at under $30.

If you choose any option other than in the home tub your next question should be....
How do we fill it?
I've heard some pretty poorly thought through answers to this question. Things like, "We'll just bring the hose inside and fill it." or "I have some 5 gallon buckets we're gonna fill up and poor in."

First off the garden hose should NEVER EVER be used to fill a birthing tub. I personally suggest not even using a new one as many garden hoses are made of polyvinyl chloride (PVC), which uses lead as a stabilizer.

If you decide on buckets make sure you spend the weeks leading up to the birth working on your upper body strength because you will certainly be needing it. It will also take a substantial amount of time and energy to do so.

What we chose was the use of a small plumbing miracle referred to as a SharkBite. "SharkBite is the Push-Fit connection system that is really taking hold. It’s the easiest way to join copper, CPVC, or PEX pipe in any combination with no soldering, clamps, unions, or glue. Just insert the pipe and the stainless steel teeth bite down and grip tight, while a specially formulated O-ring compresses to create a perfect seal."

They come in so many different options it would be nearly impossible to not find the one to fit your needs,

Most homes will be equipped with a bath tub that has a removable spout like the one shown below. It exposes the 1/2" copper pipe that it attaches to.

I purchased the coupling and a coiled roll of 1/2" pex line from Home Depot for under $40. The system simply allows for me to push both pipes into the coupling and its ready to go as shown below.

This option now allows for me to fill the birth pool with temperature regulated water, fill it without carrying anything around and allows me to continue to support my partner through labor. I and anyone who has been through the birthing process as a supporting partner can tell you that you will not want to be away from your partner in labor for more than a very brief moment. This option also allows for you to warm up the pool by simply turning the hot water back on for a gentle warm up.

Let's now assume we are through the birth and into the post birth and placenta delivery and baby is here and with mama. They've had time to bond in the pool and mama, sore and tired as can be, has made her way to a soft surface to relax with baby while a midwife and/or doula begins post birth paperwork and checks of mama and baby. At this point you still have a pool, which is most likely not so pretty, to contend with. You are now stricken with the question.....

How do we drain it?Great question. If you filled it with buckets you probably will be emptying i the same way. Alternatively if you've decided to use the SharkBite method this process of cleanup in its entirety will take about 20 minutes.

Understanding how a gravity siphon works is essential to being able to clean up everything with massive ease. I suggest keeping everything on the same floor of the house but if you cant you definitely you should not have your water source being above you as a cleanup through siphoning can't be done this way.



To drain the pool using the SharkBite method simply ensure the pex tubing is submerged in the birth pool water. With the pipes still connected run the water into the pool for a moment to ensure there is not air in the pipe. Next use the removal tool (as shown below) to remove the pex tubing from the SharkBite and immediately set it down by the drain of the tub not allowing any air to enter the tube. If its done correctly the water should now be flowing out of the pool and into the tub. It should take about 5 to 10 minutes to drain the entire pool.

What about the rest?  
If you are using a rental pool or a pricey purchased pool you will most likely be expecting to clean the pool out for later use.
If however the pool of your choice is in your eyes disposable (and for under $30 the fishy pool is) you can very easily deflate and roll the pool up and toss it in the dumpster to be taken away.

Some P.S. Pro Tips:
-Setting up an inflatable pool is much much easier and faster with the use of an air compressor. If possible have the air compressor ready to roll days before you're expecting to use it so that you may simply plug it in and begin using it.
-Also make sure you have the right nozzle to blow air into the pool. This is the tool I've used for many years on inflatables. The pool takes about 3 minutes to inflate using this tool and a decent compressor.

-Always plan to have a plastic sheet under your pool. Even if you don't have a leak or any issues , the in and out of people will get the surrounding area wet and if its solid surface flooring it will get slick.

-I thoroughly suggest getting comfortable with hooking up the pieces well in advance of needing them. The less thinking you have to do during labor the better.





-If you do use the SharkBites DO NOT forget to get a removal tool. They are like $2 and important.






-If you hook up your water source to a tub/shower you will want to block off the shower head from being able to be used. If the water pressure gets to high it will want to come out of the shower head. (I used a small rubber plug the first time and replaced the shower head over it. I removed the head and replaced it with a threaded cap the second time. The Cap worked better)

-A good roll of duct tape will come in handy and allow for you to work hands free when both filling and draining the pool assuring that the hose or tubing stays in place when the water is flowing in either direction.
-Keep in mind how heavy the pool will be filled with water. If the area of floor that it will be going on could not support upwards of 15-20 people at the same time you should not setup in that area.
-Once the pool is rolled up and in a trash dumpster you can further compress it by puncturing the inflatable areas with a razor or knife.

I hope you find this information useful in trying to be as supportive of a birthing partner as possible If you have anything to add please do in the comments below. Thanks for reading.