CrunchyDadmom's Top 10 tips for supporting your breastfeeding partner.
We plan and plan for months on end with excitement in anticipation for the arrival of our new little ones. We decide on everything from where a birth will take place to the theme of a nursery. We talk about what we will name them and how we expect their lives to go. Some of us even plan out their first outfits for newborn pictures. So how is it that so often we forget to focus some of that energy and thought on how we will nourish them in the early years and what we expect of each other to make that happen?
I have now been the "partner" through 5 and a half years of nursing babies. I have often wished that I had been a better support in the early years. That's not to say that I didn't think that I was supportive but just that my efforts, while well intentioned, didn't always feel to my wife as supportive as I would have hoped. Unfortunately not only is breastfeeding a all too little spoken about and planned for topic but the "how to" on the support side is next to nonexistent. And if you happen to be a partner reading this please take this piece of advice as fact as I promise you that any momma who has been through a breastfeeding journey will agree with it. SUPPORT THROUGH BREASTFEEDING IS EVERYTHING!!!!!
So let's get into it. The "How To" that I wish that I would have had.
1.) It starts before birth.
This is where the journey should really begin and maybe it doesn't the first time. In fact many mothers successful breastfeeding experiences don't actually take place with a first child. However deciding that breastfeeding is what both of you intend to be the means in which your new child will be nourished will put you leaps and bounds ahead. Make it a shared goal. Shared goals are achieved far more often due to a feeling of shared connection which increases motivation and accountability. So make sure you talk about it before you meet your new little squish.
2.) Education can be make or break in the first few days.
Ask any good lactation consultant and they will tell you that new parents and even some experienced parents are shocked when they learn basic things about breastfeeding such as; how much a 1 day old child consumes on average per feeding. (About 1 tsp of colostrum), what colostrum is, how often baby should be nursed, how long baby should eat for, what a good latch looks and sounds like, when moms milk actually comes in, what baby's stomach looks like at day 10. If you have already been a nursing mom, these probably sound simple but to those who haven't. When we have our own uneducated thoughts on how it is "supposed to be" and our reality is different than our expectations we often experience fear and disappointment. So when momma doesn't see her baby with milk running down her face or dad doesn't know that her boobs are functioning but they aren't producing milk like a freaking cow yet and they see the formula bottle that has 2oz in it, they assume that baby is not getting what she needs and that mommas body must not be working right when it might actually be working exactly as it is supposed to be.
3.) Breastfeeding support is not actually about breasts.
This one is really crucial. To really support a mom and her breastfed baby you need to remove yourself from spending too much energy on the baby actually nursing. It is easy to get caught up with worrying if everything is ok with the nursing baby but what would probably be more beneficial to the situation is walking away from her, going to the kitchen cabinet, grabbing a cup, turning on the sink, filling her up a glass of water and bringing it to her. If we are truly supporting moms, then we need to expect feeding baby is one thing she can usually handle on her own and instead be the hands and feet she can't be while she is nursing. If you don't know what she needs, remember, you can always ask her.
4.) Be the filter for her.
In the hours and days after your bundle of love is born you are destine to see eager friends and family who just want to catch a view of you baby. Sometimes they can be very considerate and other times they can be completely clueless. If momma had a hospital birth she is most likely glued to the bed with nowhere to really go even if she wasn't. This means that as these people steadily parade through your room or home it is really on you as the partner to direct and guide them based on how she and baby are feeling. Babies eat very often and a new mom is able to detect signs that baby is hungry pretty quickly so she may want to have some privacy to nurse and the calmness of the room can not be understated in helping baby concentrate. Do not be shy on returning baby to mom or removing people from the room. As well, the first few days mom and baby will need plenty of time together to bond and strengthen their understanding of one another, so nursing becomes more natural to both. If she is anxious about other people holding the baby be sure to help her so she does not to feel obligated to separate herself from baby. It is ok to tell people that they will need to wait until another time to hold the baby, Again asking her what she wants is a great way to make sure that the two of you are on the same page.
5.) She needs Rest Rest Rest.
So usually as the partner your leave of absence from work is much shorter lived than that of momma (which is still usually way too short but a different subject for a different day). This means that your ability to be a physical help is drastically reduced all too soon, so letting her rest as much as possible during that time is super helpful. Let's take a second and list out a few of the many things that have been going on with her to effort to give you some perspective on how much she really needs the rest. She just spent the last 9 months using her body as an incubator for another human being. She then had the giant muscular vessel that held that human crush down and squeeze it out of an area of her body that she never really wanted to be stretched that large to begin with. Then after that human was brought into the world she passed another massive object in the same manner.(If you haven't been through birth before do yourself a favor and google "Placenta" it's basically the unfair second birth she wasn't expecting) When that was finished somebody said to her that they "just needed to check to make sure her uterus was contracting" which is actually a fun way of warning her that they are about to use some torture tactic, that is too drastic for Gitmo, to painfully knead her belly while her contacting uterus continues to hemorrhage. And after is was all said and done and just before she was able to actually catch her breath, the human she just delivered needed her to use every last bit of energy she had to nourish it. So yeah dude, she's tired. Let her sleep, do the dishes, fold the laundry, cook the meals and let her rest.
6.) Learn to "really" bond with your little one.
We know that when mom nurses baby that a very special and unique bond is formed. We desire to experience that same bond but without functioning breast, sometimes we feel that can only be accomplished by feeding baby with a bottle. By holding on to that mindset though, we really limit our capacity to truly and deeply bond with our children and potentially throw a wrench in the breastfeeding process. There are many things that bottle feedings can do to hinder rather than help, such as nipple confusion, changes in flow rate, feeding beyond the capacity of baby stomach, etc. Being blunt it's kinda selfish too. There are so many ways you can bond with baby that are beneficial to everybody including momma. A few of my favorite include; skin to skin contact, baby wearing, bath time and listening to music and dancing with baby, but there are really no limits to the ways you can connect with baby. Try something simple like burping the baby after nursing. Chances are momma will really appreciate having both hands to herself for a few minutes too.
7.) Have patience
Nursing a baby takes a lot of time and practice and it doesn't always come quickly. It takes most moms about 6 weeks or so to really get into a good rhythm with baby. That is stressful enough for her in and of itself. So don't add stress to the situation by inserting your own expectations. Mom is gonna have the best understanding of how her body is acting and how baby is reacting. If she expresses concern that is one thing and merits a response but if she says shes's ok and baby is happy, just sit back and relax, everything is going exactly as it should.
8.) Help seek out help when things get bumpy.
So let's say she does express concern. Maybe things don't feel right or feel down right painful. Maybe she doesn't feel like baby is getting enough milk or is not latching well. Be the one to seek out additional help. Head online and find a local support group. You can find the nearest
La Leche League International group to you. There are free support groups that have meetings and support lines run by experienced mommas throughout the world. Drive her to a meeting. Sometimes just having the knowledge of another momma can be all it takes to make a few adjustments or help diagnose a deeper issue. You could also seek out an independent lactation consultant who could come to your home and offer similar assistance.
9.) You don't know it all, so learn TOGETHER.
Breastfeeding and raising a child is a journey. All the knowledge and studying in the world is quickly trumped by experience. There is a lot of information available online but none as valuable as being in it day in and day out. Please, please, please if issues to arise, do not go online, read an article and then "tell her what to do". You are in this together and if she feels pressured rather than supported, the risk of quitting is easily amplified. Be a team. Learn together, talk. Have discussions about issues, options and possible solutions or seeking assistance. Remember that you're both in this for the same squishy faced, ten toed reason.
10.) Be Proud of her.
This seems so simplistic but can not be understated. Breastfeeding moms ARE superheros. They ARE able to use their bodies to sustain the life of another person for years, Show them some serious appreciation and be proud to be partnered with one of these beautifully self sacrificing individuals. When you are out of the house and she shows off her superpowers do not shame her. Stand proudly by her side and let her know how awesome she is. The world does enough to try and bring her down, so let her know often that she is amazing because, simply put, SHE IS.
So there you are my "How To" that I wish had existed 5 years ago. Now that you have some tools at your disposal, use them. Go battle the issues and celebrate the successes together. We often say in our home that it takes a village. Nobody should have to go it alone and your village starts with you so start your village. Be strong, be brave and be supportive.
If you have any additional tips I would love to read them in the comments below.
Happy Breastfeeding.
