I think it's finally time to talk about Miscarriage.

MISCARRIAGE! Damn. That's a scary word. But what's the reality? Well an estimated 1 in 5 "known" pregnancies will end in a lost baby before the 20th week. Actually it's most likely much higher than that due to it happening often before the pregnancy becomes known to the mother. The fact of early miscarriage is no more obvious than to those of us who have been through it while actively pursuing having kids of our own.

Being in my late 20's and having 3 children with my wife, the experience of miscarriage hit us relatively early in life, in our early 20s. But being in the age group we are, we're starting to see it happen to those around us. In the past few weeks I have had 2 sets of friends who have been thrown into the dizzying spiral of losing a baby. It's so heart breaking to see close friends go through something so devastating. It happens and it hurts, a lot. It has also shed light on another unspoken truth. These are just the friends who have had the courage to make it known to the world or at least their inner circles. One thing though that I have found to be a very dark truth surrounding this subject is that, no matter if you are brave like a few of my friends have been or decide to keep it concealed as my wife and I did, there is undoubtedly an ultimate feeling of shame and responsibility in the aftermath of experiencing it firsthand.

Why though? How in the hell is that fair? Rarely is it ever the fault of a mother, that her little one did not develop properly and was not able to survive the same miraculous transformation that you did, into a vessel suitable to sustain life as a human. Why can't parents go through the grieving process without feeling responsible and or shameful? Some would say it's because they are looking for answers to a question without any. Being realistic, most people will never know the specific reason behind a miscarriage. Doctors will speculate to help you rationalize it. Moms might search deep within their own memory banks and harshly judge each and every action and decision that she made while pregnant. And friends, if they are made aware of the pregnancy, may come up with their own versions of what could have happened to try to bring comfort to their friend. Still none of these are ever absolute and a grieving mom and possibly dad, deep down, know that. I however have a different vein of thought as to why the tunnel of thoughts surrounding miscarriage are so densely lined with self contempt. 

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

Seriously, we don't. And in the rare occurrences that we do, it's done in the shadows of secrecy. Here's something to chew on. The percentage of known pregnancies that end miscarriage is the same as the percentage of people who will die from cancer. It's the same as the percentage of the American children who live in poverty. Yet there is a drastic difference in that we do not hide these facts. We know them and we dedicate time and resources to them in order to assist those affected. We talk about them. We walk around tracks in pink and come up with ridiculous team names to make them known. Can the same be said of those affected by miscarriage? Now I'm by no means advocating these other issues are undeserving of our attention, I am simply pointing to the fact that we are sweeping under the rug a largely underrepresented number of people and allowing them to believe that they are alone in a very difficult and vulnerable time in their lives.

Now everything I'm saying is essentially just bitching at this point and I do not want to just complain about an issue and not add to the solution. So I'm going to address a number of ways that I think can help both internally and externally create a solid support and understanding towards those affected (especially as men). I will also outline something which I believe we can help shift the undertone of shame away from grieving parents and allow us to create a culture of support to make it "ok" for parents to reach out without hesitation or embarrassment by opening up the dialog for talking about it.

It starts with compassion.

Internally in the relationship men will be affected differently than women.

I need to first address the guys side as it is most relevant to me but it is good for women to know how we think. Guys process information in a way that starts with; hearing a situation happens. assessing the details and seriousness of the situation, deciding how relevant it is to them and if it is, immediately the cogs begin to turn to rationalize or resolve the situation. This works great as a man, to be able to rationalize something at tragic as a miscarriage and hold strong in our minds to that rationale. We are able to function and focus on the details of the days after because, to us there is absolute truth in it. It's not that we aren't saddened, instead it's that that is how we process everything every day. We don't know any other way and unfortunately the thing that gets us through it just about the worst possible means of helping our partners throughout the entire grieving process.   

As men we tend to miss a very important detail in our assessment of miscarriage. For some reason, and I still haven't been able to put my finger on it, we think that our partners are able to go through the same rationalization process as us. And without realizing it we tend to go straight to trying to lead them to our rationale. I mean it does make sense right? If it worked for us why can't it work for them? If you are a guy whose going through this please listen carefully. I promise with every ounce of being in me that it is not the same for women. Stop. Stop because it's not only not what they need but, it will NEVER EVER work.

Women have a completely different emotional attachment that we can't fully grasp, but I will try to explain it in a way that might be easier to understand. When a woman finds out she is pregnant, intentionally or not, she instantly changes. She is no longer herself. She is a we. In fact you should repeat that last sentence out loud to yourself a few times. She is a we. We can't as guys understand it fully because we will never be a we. And we will never spend a day not being able to break the river of thought that another being is inside of us growing, completely and wholey dependent on us for life. In order for us to understand to our capacity though we need to remember something very important. Men usually take a while to fully come to terms with the idea of the baby being real. Really in there. For women though that feeling of we is very real and very permanent as soon as it happens and that thought does not leave them. They are moms and their baby is all consuming to them. It's actually the thing that makes a miscarriage so emotionally devastating to them. I say all of this to bring it around to a point for men to get. When we try to rationalize a miscarriage we unintentionally put off a feeling that we think somehow it somehow wasn't real. That that woman wasn't and isn't a mother.

So what can we do instead? Well,  honestly it's a very simple but immensely difficult answer. Ready?

Shut up and be there! Don't try to provide answers. You don't have any because for her there are none. So sit with her, cry with her, listen to her, assure her you are not going anywhere until she is ready. She's just lost someone very important to her and she needs you to be there because you're the closest thing she has to someone who should understand. It is a very slow grieving and healing process that you cannot speed up no matter what so prepare yourself to be there for a while.

Something that often gets overlooked by men as well is that if you received the news that you have miscarried during an ultrasound, your partner has a solid chance of needing to have the baby surgically taken from her. So while she is grieving from the loss she is also dealing with that fact that her baby is still in her. As men we must be additionally sympathetic to these mothers and not take personal any actions or words that come from them. This is again something you cannot possibly understand.

I want to stomp out a common misnomer that its somehow better if you already have kids. Coming personally from a scenario where we experienced multiple miscarriages in between our oldest and middle child I can assure you it is not better. If anything its harder. The emotions are the same but now the grieving process is harder because you have a little one to attend to. It actually slows the healing because it takes longer to have ample time to do so.

If we are to change the culture of shame surrounding miscarriage we cannot pretend that we are "ok" simply for the purpose of making face to our family and friends. I truly believe that people are kinder and more sympathetic than we give credit to. Inevitably though, even if we do present our raw emotions to them, someone will not know how to react. They will fall into the same rut that I've been describing above. It is important for us to forgive them and not hold them responsible. As they become more educated and as the culture of understanding changes they will learn. Another reason we cannot continue to hide  that this happens is that you will have someone in your life who goes through this as well and in that moment when they are looking for support they will remember. They will gravitate to where they believe understanding lies. You will be the start of the web of support and it will grow.

It is often said that it takes a village to raise a child and I believe that to be very true but I also believe it to be just as true that it takes that same village to help us grieve when we lose one. From partners to family member. From friends to employers. Be the start of your village. Be the start of the answer to banishing the hidden secret that so many people live with and try to deal with themselves. Be there!